Category Archives: Parenthood

Parents, It is YOUR iPhone

Ok parents,

It’s Christmas afternoon. The living room is still a disaster. It looks like Hallmark threw up with tinsel, ribbons, boxes, and wrapping paper strewn all over the place. You’ve been sitting on the couch basking in that “I’M THE BEST PARENT EVER” glow, patting yourself on the back for getting your kid the thing every kid wants… A new iPhone!

They’ve deserved it. They made good decisions this semester. They were good to their little brother, brought home decent grades, and you’ve really gone back and forth with pulling the trigger on finally getting them their own iPhone. Good on you.

Except one thing… it isn’t their iPhone.

You’re Mom. You’re Dad. It is YOUR iPhone that YOU are allowing them to use. Your responsibility to them didn’t end when they flashed you that smile, hugged you tight, and put in those white earbuds and ran upstairs to set it up.

An iPhone (or any smartphone/iDevice) is a powerful tool and a huge responsibility – for both your child and for you.

Do you know how it works?

Do you know what content they have access too?

Which apps they are loading on to it, right now? 

Will you keep tabs on what they are viewing, listening to, and sharing with their friends?

If it is primarily for music (an iTouch), how much access do you want them to have online?

Have you given them some expectations, limits, or guidelines?

You are the parent. You are ridiculously in charge! Don’t make excuses like, “I don’t do technology.” & “I don’t want to cramp their privacy.”

If you don’t show them how to use it properly – with wisdom, discretion, and responsibility – I promise you, someone else will show them how to use it any which way but loose.

So, check out the articles that I’ve linked below and get familiar with the amazing, powerful, potentially great, potentially dangerous device you just handed your pre-teen.

Sit them down and work with them on setting it up, laying expectations out, and, if YOU decide, enable restrictions and forbid certain content from being installed or viewed.

It could get a little uncomfortable for you. Warning: You will sound like your own parents at some point during this discussion. It. Will. Be. OK. I promise.

You’re the parent. It isn’t their iPhone. It is YOURS.

You call the shots. You are ridiculously in charge.

Apple’s Built in Parental Controls

Parental Controls in 2min Video

Keep Your Child Safe on the iPod Touch

Beginner’s Guide to iTunes

The Complete Guide to Transferring your Content to a new iPod touch

To My 13-Year-Old, An iPhone Contract From Your Mom, With Love

Example of a Social Media Contract

The Power Of Money

“This is money.”

It began after a trip to Nana and Papa’s house. Ever since I was a boy I can remember my dad coming home from a long day of teaching and coaching and emptying his pockets of keys and loose change. The change would go in a jar or in a drawer or even in a small change purse. I guess things hadn’t really changed because after spending the weekend at my parents house my then 2 year old boy had added a new category to his understanding of the way the world worked. He had become aware of money. In fact he was now a little too aware.

Leave a quarter on the table. It was snatched up by his little chubby hands. Drop a penny on the floor. In a flash he had ferreted it away to his room. He would take all the change from my car, my jar, and my nightstand table. He would grab it, look at you, laugh, and then run away with it. My little boy had turned into Gollum and anything round and shiny became his “precious.” Try and take that quarter back and risk loosing a finger. He started asking me for money. He asked his mom. He told us about Nana and Papa’s money. Money was now something he was keenly aware of. And he was in love with it.

As a dad it unnerved me a little. Where did this obsession come from? Is this a sneak peek at his future? Would he live his life collecting and swimming in gold coins (Duck Tales! aWEEOO!)? I had visions of my perfect little boy becoming a crusty old miser.

However, something quite different has happened. Something like what happened last night.

As Sandy was tucking him in bed, my son asked her, “Mom, why do all little boys have their own bed?” Sandy told him that not everyone has their own bed. He got very concerned and wanted to know why. Sandy explained that sometimes their families don’t have enough money to afford a bed. Hewson jumped up and grabbed his money bucket where he keeps all my spare change he has stolen.

“I have money. They can take this and buy a bed.” He didn’t offer up some of it. He gave it all. So that some kid some where could have a bed to sleep in.

After, I stopped crying. I thanked God for giving me such an amazing kid. I also thank God for some how, some way helping us to teach him the value and the power of money to do good.

It hasn’t been very easy but there have been a few things we have done to intentionally help our little boy move from loving money to using using money in order to love people. 3 things come to mind:

1) Giving Gifts
We have an amazing group of people that help us function as a family. From friends to teachers to babysitters to family members we are surrounded by people that help us every week by caring for our kids. When it comes to giving them tangible expressions of our thankfulness for their love and sacrifice we have included our son in giving those gifts. He goes with us to purchase items for care packages. He stands with us at the register to help pay. He helps us care the gifts to their recipients. We make a big deal out of how much fun it can be to give. If you are with us on the nights we get to say thanks, you would see what we mean. Lots of laughter, singing, and fun. My son has the same spiritual gift as I do: a loud voice. To hear him say “Thank You” at the top of his lungs will melt your heart.

2) Talk About How Blessed We Are
We try and daily draw his attention to just how blessed we are. My wife does a great job at this. Just like our little conversation last night, Sandy takes opportunities daily to tell him that sometimes people don’t have the things that he does. It could be a bed or toys or even body parts. One night during prayers Hew thanked God for his hands. Sandy swallowed hard and took that opportunity to tell him that some boys and girls don’t have hands. I know that sounds gruesome but we want him to know that he has been blessed because we believe that that blessing comes with a responsibility. We are blessed to be blessings.

3) Use Holidays and Events to Teach Giving
Over the last few years Halloween and Easter have helped us teach Hewson the value and fun of giving. (Did I just write about Easter and Halloween in the same sentence?!?!) These are two holidays that are taylor made for teaching this lesson. At Halloween we have spent more time having Hewson give away candy at our house than we have taking him around the neighborhood. When that doorbell rings he can’t wait to hand out candy. This Easter, we had him stuff eggs for the egg hunt at our church. We reminded him that these eggs were for others. He got so excited about sharing. We took 2 holidays that already have positive giving elements and simply tried to highlight the giving over and above the getting.

Does my son still balk at sharing his toys with others? Yes. Does he sometimes flip out when he doesn’t get his way? Yes. Does he still snatch my change from my car? Oh Yes!

I recently watched an amazing documentary about a musician named Josh Garrels. In the opening few minutes, it shows Josh and his wife wrangling their two kids and Josh talks about how they do life as a family together in the midst of work and creating art. He echoes my feelings about all of this when he describes what it’s like growing and teaching little kids at this stage of their lives. He says, “This has been the biggest lesson for me and my life: Unconditionally loving and serving someone without, at this point, seeing any return beyond just having a relationship with them. Especially at the ages their at…when they are young, you’re in reaction mode.”

Teaching my son about giving and serving has been an exercise in patience and hope and frustration and victory and setback. Much like what God goes through in teaching us important lessons. The breakthroughs come not from 3 neat steps or an instructional video or even a how-to book.

The breakthroughs come from a relationship marked by unconditional love and service. 

We catch small glimpses of breakthroughs when we experience things like what happened last night. It’s those glimmers of hope that give us encouragement to keep investing in helping our son understand that the real power of money is found in giving it away.

Get Back Day 1- Family

I love my family and I do everything possible to make sure that they know that they are my number one priority. However, it isn’t always easy. Often times I feel caught in the middle between family and ministry.

Family

There is a pull to spend all my focus and all my time on my ministry but if I do that I will lose my family. One of my core values is that I refuse to sacrifice my family on the alter of ministry. I will not let that happen. I know I cannot focus exclusively on my ministry.

There is a pull in the opposite direction to spend all my time and focus on my family. However, if I do that I will struggle to live out  my calling to lead others into a dynamic relationship with Jesus Christ.

There is a lot of tension between my family and my ministry. One thing I understand completely: I am called to lead a local congregation but I’m commanded to lead my family. The tension comes from my desire to do both equally well without sacrificing .

I’m sure you feel this tension as well. Our default reaction is to work feverishly in order to release or erase tension from our lives. I spent many years trying to resolve this type of tension yet I found myself super busy with little to show for my effort. I was meeting the unique needs of each part of my life poorly.

A few years ago I was challenged to manage the tension rather than resolve it. This mindset has made all the difference for us.

The tension between family and ministry or family and work will always, always, always be there. You can’t get around it. So you must learn how to work within the tension and allow both areas to co-exists and even strengthen one another.

Over the years, my wife and I have learned to consistently practiced 5 habits that help us manage the tension between family and ministry.

5 Ways We Manage the Tension

1) Communication
Communication is the foundation of every good relationship and it is essential for managing the tensions in your life. Specifically we seek to communicate the expectations we have for one another and what we need from each other in any given situation. For example, Sandy will tell me that she needs me to be home on Thursday night of next week so that she can be at a ladies event. I’ll then move my schedule- maybe I’ll schedule a meeting over coffee that morning or during lunch so that I am available when she needs me to be. Sandy knows that on Saturday nights I spend a few hours in preparation for Sunday. She understands this need and works her Saturday family plans around this. Bonus: If you add Flexibility to Communication, everybody wins.

2) Schedule
Sandy and I regularly talk about what is on our calendar. At least twice a week we connect with the upcoming calendar (usually we talk about the next 2 weeks). This helps us be intentional about our schedules and it helps us avoid scheduling conflicts. Before I plan anything big on my ministry calendar, I run it by Sandy. I’m not looking for permission but I want to include her in on any scheduling issues to make sure that she is available, aware, and a part of the conversation. This one thing has made a huge difference in our relationship.

3) Date Night
The ideal for us is to have a date night once a week. Having an infant definitely throws a wrench in the gears of that ideal. However, we have found that the real power behind having a regular date night lies with the mindset. Dating your spouse is very much a state of mind. While we can’t go out each week, we can make spending quality time with one another a reality. The couch in our living room can transform into an IMAX movie experience when we make time to watch a movie together. Our couch can also change into a quiet coffee shop as we sit and talk about how our day went and what are our future dreams and plans are. Dates don’t always have to take place “offsite” so make time today for your next date night.

4) Family Night
Right now, Tuesday night is Felker Family Fun Night. I put a hedge around Tuesday nights because I know that we are going out as a family. We typically load the kids up and head out to dinner. One of our favorite restaurants runs a family special on Tuesdays– 2 kids eat free with 1 adult purchase. (How cool is that!?!?!) After dinner we typically enjoy an evening activity. We walk around the mall, we visit the free zoo (pet store), we visit the free amusement park (the playground at church), play at the free waterpark (splash pad)- Are you picking up on a theme here? Family night is my favorite night of the week! Look around your town and see what kind of deals are in your area. Pick a night of the week and protect it from all other events. You will love it and your family will thank you.

5) Do ministry as a family
This will look differently for everyone but we decided years ago to make sure to do ministry together. When someone needs a meal delivered, we load up the car and deliver it as a family. Sometimes we invite a few families over to our home for dinner and fellowship. My hope is that over time my kids will be able to join us in ministry as well. Sandy truly is my ministry partner. I have been blessed beyond my wildest imagination.

My prayer for you is that you will learn to manage the tensions in your life. When you do, you will find freedom and life. Use your creativity and imagination to work within the tension rather than expending your time and energy trying to resolve a problem that won’t go away.

Question: How do you manage the tensions between Family and Work? (Leave your thoughts and ideas in the comment section)

Life

It has now been revealed that I am going to be a dad. Start your prayers NOW.

It has been difficult keeping this under wraps and we had to out ourselves to a few people along the way but it is out now for all to know and we couldn’t be more excited.

My wife and I have been married for 7 years and our foray into starting a family actually began 2 years ago. We had just about given up hope on conceiving on our own. In fact we had even scheduled an appointment with a fertility specialist!

It is amazing how God works. Just when you think that it is all up to yourself God comes along and bonks you on the forehead V8 style. He is firmly in charge.

Ok, so I wanted to share this story about our (my) first Dr. visit.

I was playing it all cool the first time I met the OB doctor. She walks us through the ultrasound procedure and I nod accordingly. Under the surface though I’m jumping out of my skin. I want to see this ultrasound so that the little blue cross on the pregnancy test will become really real!!!

She moves the sensor (sensor is the right word, right?) around and I catch a glimpse of the heartbeat. I literally yelled out, “Is that it there!?!?!?” Now, for those of you who know me, you know that I have been medically diagnosed with a “voice that carries” so imagine just how loud my excited question was.

I could no longer play it cool. My cover was blown. This suddenly became real and I love it!

New Wineskin

Have you ever seen the show Clean Sweep? I don’t even know if they are making new episodes or not but every time I’ve seen it I am reminded again and again of how the small incremental choices in life quickly get out of hand leaving you and your loved ones with a huge mess to clean up.

For the record I had a wonderful childhood. I grew up in a loving home with my parents and sister where we participated in a wonderful version of the American dream. So anything I say in this post from this point on doesn’t come from a poor experience from my past or some cynicism that was thrust upon me at an early age. No, this is just a random question about the small incremental choices that we make.

My wife and I have been married for five wonderful years. If all goes according to plan we are looking to add to our little family sometime within the next 12-18 months. (We’ll see.) Due to this fact I have been thinking a lot about how I am going to raise my little boy (Hewson) or girl (Allison). I’ve been assessing my parental philosophy, if you will, and have come to at least one conclusion that really bothers my wife, my parents, my in-laws, and the friends that I have discussed this conclusion with.

Here it goes:

I do not want to lie to my child. Thus, I do not want to tell my kid(s) about Santa Claus. I think that the whole idea about Santa does more harm than good.

Who says I have to tell my kid about Santa? My wife and my mom say that I have to but beyond that? No one. Someone somewhere made the choice to push Santa on us and I, personally, resent it.

I don’t believe that Santa is evil and I’m not anti-holidays or anything like that. I just think that we miss a great opportunity every year to teach our kids about the joys of giving and receiving.

If there were no Santa, what would you really have missed out on? Think about it. You would have missed out on:

$20 dollar mall photos
Writing a wish list to the North Pole
Finding out that your parents have lied to you all those years
The haughty pride of telling some kid that Santa isn’t real

That’s it. End of story.

But think about what you can gain by leaving Santa out of the equation.

No tricks or secrets about who the gifts come from.
An open dialogue with your kids about giving.
Giving your kids a early start in understanding about sacrifice.
Your kids can see how you sacrificed something for them.
Watching your kids and family members connect without the help of some 1000 year old sprite with a red cap.

The list is endless.

Now, I haven’t quite figured out how to not make my kid the “weird kid that hates Santa.” Nor have I come up with a plan on how to put out angry parent fires when my kid spills the beans to his entire k-4 class about the Santa reality. One step at a time.

I just don’t feel comfortable lying to my children. Once you choose the Santa route you can’t look back. If it is ok for you to lie to them about Santa then it’s ok for them to lie too.

Imagine being truly honest with your kids. Instead of using Santa as a cop-out- “Oh, I guess Santa forgot” or “Santa must have been too busy”- you can bite the bullet and say, “It was sold out” or “We couldn’t afford it this year.” Your kid isn’t going to freak out because… their love for you isn’t based on gifts! You are their parent and if you get wrapped up in the rat race of “tickle me elmo” and whatever Christmas toy is hot this year than you will have a harder time teaching your kid not to get wrapped up in the madness later on.

Our whole idea of Santa is an emotional one. Whenever someone on Clean Sweep refuses to give up some dirty sock puppet with one eye and moth damage that was given to them by their great-grandfather the host will remind them that they aren’t giving up the memories, they’re giving up the item to make room for some added memories.

Santa is the dirty sock puppet with one eye and moth damage that was given to us by our great-great-grandfathers. Getting rid of him won’t mess up your holidays.

I guess all I’m saying is that I just want to be a different parent.

Now, use the comments below to tell me that I’ve lost my mind.