In the book Verbal Judo, George Thompson describes judo as the art of redirecting an opponent’s energy to achieve your own goal. The idea is that when an opponent attacks you “sidestep and try a move that would add to (their) momentum”, carrying them past you where you can then gain control.
The techniques in the book helped me greatly as a campus security guard but when it came to people criticizing my ministry or my character the lessons I learned went out the window.
In my first job as Campus Minister, I seemed to receive criticism daily for the way I was handling chapel services. Some were angry because I used movie clips during my teaching. Some didn’t like that students sometimes clapped during the singing. One critic took offense that I called Joseph, Joe. To some I was irreverent and to some I was heretical. There was a group of critics, that regardless of what I did or didn’t do, where bound and determined to crush me.
I’d love to tell you I handled everything perfectly but I didn’t. One morning it all came to a head with one of my fiercest and most unrelenting critics but in this moment I learned a valuable lesson in dealing with critics.
I was assigned a morning duty with this particular critic. That meant that for 30 minutes everyday (at the start of each day) I would have to sit and listen to every conceivable complaint about my job performance and my ministry. One morning I had reached a boiling point. This man had been going on and on about how “watered down” my teaching was and about how I was merely “entertaining” students in chapel services.
I slammed my hands down on the table, bluntly told him I could no longer work with him, and then marched straight into the superintendent’s office to demand to be reassigned to some other morning duty. After pouring my heart out (read: whining and crying) the superintendent told me to go back out, apologize, and then invite the critic to speak in chapel.
To say I was livid would be the understatement of the year. I respected the superintendent so I said “Yes sir” with my lips but my heart was saying “NO WAY!!!” To be completely honest I was angry at this instruction. I didn’t want to follow through on this advice because I thought it was ridiculous. However, I did what I was told. I went back to my station, apologized for my words and behavior, and then (gulp) I asked him to speak in chapel the following week.
“Um, well, uh, well I, uh, will have to look, um, at my schedule,” he stammered. He got visually uncomfortable. He shifted. He hemmed and hawed. He backed down.
I had called his bluff.
I couldn’t believe it! His attitude and demeanor completely changed. He was quick to criticize and stonewall and say that “something must be done to save the children from heresy” but was COMPLETELY unwilling to speak in chapel. Over the course of the year I asked him 2 more times to speak in chapel. He refused both times. He also never criticized me again. Not once.
My Aha! Moment came when I realized:
- I needed to have a coachable heart. I was angry at the superintendent. I didn’t want to do the hard work of apologizing and swallowing my pride. Yet, when I obeyed the instructions from an older and wiser man- a man that knew loved me and only wanted the best for me- I learned something valuable. I learned that God is faithful to those who are faithful to Him. We are faithful when we do the right thing and approach any and every critic with humility.
- I needed to weigh my critics. Someone once said that you should weigh your critics not count them. I learned that lesson that day in spades. Criticism is not a bad thing. In fact I learn more from my critics than I do my encouragers. A critics weight comes from their love and concern for you. If they don’t care about your development as a person than they are just a jerk. My critic was a jerk. Not once did he show me any genuine concern. He just wanted to dump on me. The superintendent did care about my development. He straight up told me my mistakes and then challenged me to make it right. Both criticized me. One loved me.
- Doing the right thing… eventually becomes easy. I wish I had responded to that critic from day one with openness and an inviting nature. Instead, I took everything negative and internalized it. It took everything personally. After seeing how my critic reacted to my invitation I began using that technique with every critic I could. I took their raw emotions and used that momentum to propel conversations and issues to a place where we could rationally talk. Doing this once impossible task became second nature.
In 1 Tim 5:1-2, Paul instructs Timothy on dealing with older and young generations. Paul says, “Do not rebuke an older man harshly but exhort him as if he were your Father. Treat younger men as bothers…”
When we get fed up with criticism, especially harsh and unfair treatment from older people, our first reaction is to lash back at them. Paul says to talk with them as if they were your father. They may fail to treat you as a brother (fail to view you as equal) but their attitude isn’t your responsibility. You are responsible for YOUR attitude and reaction. I am responsible for MY attitude and reaction.
I no longer try to fight against criticism. I use it’s momentum to turn a negative into a positive. When I can do that, everyone wins.
