I had the worst movie going experience of my life last weekend. People coming in late, children talking out loud, and menthol cigarettes all helped to create the perfect storm that ruined our evening. It was so frustrating partly because going to the movies is one of my favorite pastimes. To me, there is absolutely nothing better than going to the movies, getting a giant Coca-Cola, and allowing that darkened theatre to take me to another place. When something or someone interrupts my movie experience by their sheer rudeness or ignorance I get as angry and as volatile as the big ape up on the screen. Sadly this type of rude behavior from my casual movie-going peers has become more frequent. It seems that everytime I go to the movies someone acts as though the theatre is their personal living room. So, in order that the casual movie-going public and I can continue to live together in harmony, here are a few suggestions that will help us attain movie nirvana together.
PG-13 does not mean “Parents, Grab your One 3 year old and head to the multiplex!”
I admit. I am not a parent. I don’t know how difficult it is to find a babysitter. I don’t know how difficult it is to make time for each other. I don’t know stuff like that.
What I do know is that a 3-hour movie about a giant ape that rips dinosaurs apart with his bear hands, runs amuck in the greater Manhattan-area, and is eventually gunned down by airplanes is not a suitable movie for your toddler. For your sake, for your daughter sake, invest in a wicked cool home theater system and let your kid ask you as many questions as they want. As King Kong lays dying the last thing I want to hear is some little kid ask “What’s happening, mommy?”
You and your friends are not the stars of MST3000 or Save the commentary for the DVD
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 told that story of Astronaut Joel who was blasted into space and forced to watch the world’s worst B, C, and D-movies. Joel built robot friends to help him watch and critique each of the films and the show became a cult classic. I loved watching Joel and the robot puppets make fun of the terrible acting and crumbling sets of these awful movies from yesteryear.
Guess what? You and your friends will never be as clever as Joel or as smart as his robot pals. Quit talking with your friends about the movie. I didn’t pay $15 dollars to hear your take on the realism nor did I pay to hear about your day.
Come early, stay late
Those numbers next to the movie title that you want to see are called start times. Last weekend, people were arriving to the movie 10-15mins. after the movie began. That means that they waddled into the theatre a good thirty minutes after the official start time. I’m not talking about a couple of people. I bet there were 20 to 30 people who came in way too late. Many of these people chose to sit near me (of course). So, instead of watching and listening to the movie, I had to watch the backs of these people as they walked through the aisles and took their seats. I had to listen to them talk to one another as they got caught up on all the major plot points. Thanks guys!
The only thing that was better than these people coming in late was that many chose to leave early. As the movie was winding up I felt like I was in church and the minister was begining to extend the invitation. The music swells and the last few lines are being said and all I hear is people shuffeling out of the theater. Again, thank you for that everyone.
Candy from Target is ok, a Double-Quarter Pounder from McDonald’s is over the line
One couple that came in late sat directly next to me. The gentleman smelled like the foulest cigerettes until he began to smell like cigerettes and hamburgers! He and his wife smuggled in a huge sack of hamburgers!!! “No I had the one with cheese.” “Is there any ketchup in there?” “Smack, smack, smack.” “Who’s that guy?” “Pass the fries.” In the words of Frank Costanza: “Serenity Now!” These people should know that you don’t have to bring in a full meal to enjoy the movie because Mr. Pibb + Red Vines= Crazy Delicious.
and finally,
When in doubt- Shut Up!
Enough said.
See, we can still all get along. I guess if I had to narrow this list down to one guideline it would simply be Respect. Respect those around you and respect yourself. I hope that my next experience is better. There is always hope.
Leave a passing comment »